A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
You Might Also Like
Meanwhile in Portland…
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012