Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
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The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
look at me when i’m typing to you
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.