Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
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First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I鈥檓 waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Santa: hey I’m 馃幎coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Christmas decor isn鈥檛 meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I鈥檒l handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it鈥檚 my birthday 馃檪
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
You don鈥檛 need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.