moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
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In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I did not eat the cake…
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume