Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
You Might Also Like
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
My daily affirmation
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand