Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
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Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?