tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
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Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.