Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
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Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds