My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
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Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
That time Alicia messaged me
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.