Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
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People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Passwords are more important than ever.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?