Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
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Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
All set.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.