If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
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Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?