This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
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Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Something Saturday.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Only Americans understand
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.