You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
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I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
c’mon!
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?