you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
You Might Also Like
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.