I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
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[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
put ‘er there pardner!
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”