New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
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Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets