No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
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MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
No, I don’t think I will.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell