Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
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Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.