I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
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dutch is not a serious language
I wish this was real life…
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?