WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
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Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
😂😂😂