Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
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I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Fries, not lies.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”