Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
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“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
When someone says you are so lazy