I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
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Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said