You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
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Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ