The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
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Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶