wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
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If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Happy thanksgiving
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind