What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I am having an out of money experience.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no