If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
You Might Also Like
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Have kids, they said
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.