What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
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[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.