Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
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Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
#NeverForget
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?