[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
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Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
When you kidnap a writer.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-