For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
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Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.