I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
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God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
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Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
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My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
This might be the funniest tweet ever
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.