I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
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My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Roses are red
Violets are blue