Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
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Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
o shit
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Carpe DM
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.