Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
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Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
How to draw a duck
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
how do y’all walk in shallow water