As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
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I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
birds and squirrels envy us
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums