Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
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So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
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A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.