“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
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My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.