ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
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[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
this has done me in for some reason
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?