friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
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him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?