Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
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Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.