I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
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Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid