Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
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[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
How actors in movies eat their food
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics