The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
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Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus