Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
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Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.