Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
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when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.