I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
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no such thing as a dumb question
The news
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X