My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
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The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.